After being rescued from the air register, where he was forced to breathe the dust and fumes from a less-than-clean house, Spiderman took a little while to relax and unwind.

“Lady, you can suggest it all you want, but Spidey don’t clean. Spidey’s a CRIMEfighter, not a GRIMEfighter. Cleanin’ ain’t no fun! I’m bored. I’m going to go hunt down some crime, and fight it.”

“The only crime here is how good-lookin’ I am.”

“The only crime here is how fast that gum loses its flavor. But I can’t take on the Trident Corporation! I’m only one small spiderman!”

“The only crime here is how well that Goof Off stuff works!”

“The only crime here is how gorgeous that blue paint is! Uh.. oops. Need a little caulk here, Fred!”

“My spidey senses are tingling. There’s a fearsome beast around here somewhere, and I must find it!”

“It is! IT IS a fearsome beast! I thought the mythical Malevolent Madeleine was a myth, but here I see her, in her lair atop Momma Mountain!”

“This is almost too easy! I’ve got her pinned down!”

“Wait… she’s got my arm in some sort of superbeastly grip. I can’t get away from her! Not that I’d want to, being the superhero stud that I am. But if I did want to, I couldn’t get away from her!”

“She’s pulling me ever closer to the fearsome Jaw of Doom. If I were a mere mortal, I’d be terrified right now!”


“Malevolent Madeleine, I beg mercy! Not my brain! I NEED MY BRAIN!”


“Brains… leaking… out my ears…”

“She’s got me on the ground! I cannot stand this torture much longer!”

“Relent, fierce beast!”


Spidey is lain upon a bed of catnip where it is expected he will die slowly and painfully. But while Malevolent Madeleine’s attention is drawn elsewhere…

Spiderman escapes.

“You beat me this time, Malevolent Madeleine, but it will not happen again. I WILL return and make you beg for mercy, you horrid, filthy, stinky, beastly feline!”


2005: Oh, how I’m going to miss his stinky little butt!

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