PLEASE TO BE PAYING ATTENTION. THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM RHYME.
Dear Peoples of the Internets:
Please to be telling your cats of this very important change in the rules. This is VERY IMPORTANT, and all members of the feline persuasion must follow these instructions very carefully in the future or FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
When you have the horrible runny poopies that makes the Momma Lady (or perhaps you have a Daddy Man, I’m not judging you) despair, this is what you must do:
First you gets into the litter box, and you digs. You digs and digs and digs, and then when you think you might be done digging, you digs some more. There is no such thing as too much diggings. If you want to get fancy, you can start to get into poopin’ position and then decide to do more diggings.
When you has gotten the desire for diggings out of your system, you gets into the hole that you has dug. Now, VERY IMPORTANT, you must have your back feets at the lowest part of the hole you dug. SUPER IMPORTANT, this point.
Then you poops. You knows how to do that. Hopefully. ‘Cause Rhyme ain’t coming to lick your behind to get you to poops. If you were wondering.
So then, because you is standing at the lowest point of the hole, the horrible runny despair-inducing poops will run down into the hole.
Because your Momma Lady (or Daddy Man) has been standing there because she thinks it is somehow her (or his) business what your poops look like (perhaps the Momma Lady/ Daddy Man needs to get a life), she will react by perhaps gasping or saying “Oh no!” and she will lean down to gently lift you from the poopin’ box before you gets poops all over your feet.
But it will be too late.
PLEASE TO BE PAYING ATTENTION THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT PART OF RUNNY POOP RITUAL.
You will have runny poops on your back feet and if you have done this correctly you will have LITTER-ENCRUSTED runny poops on your back feet. As your Momma Lady (Daddy Man) lifts you, you must wait until your back feets is above the level of the poopin’ box. And then you must call upon all your acting skills. You must look all wide-eyed like you are thinking “Le gasp! I has something on my back feets! Kitteh cannot have something on his back feets!” and with all your strength you must SHAKE first one back feet and then the OTHER back feet, so that litter-encrusted poops goes flying EVERYWHERE.
“GAH!” your Momma Lady (Daddy Man) will say. “GAH! AGH! AHHHHH!”
Now quick like a bunny, shake BOTH OF THEM FEETS AT THE SAME TIME. More poopins will go flying! All over the place! The point is to get as much poopy litter to cover as much of the room as possible!
If your parental figure is anything like mine, there will be many very bad words flying around in the air.
Now wriggle! WRIGGLE WRIGGLE WRIGGLE so that you cannot be contained and must be put down. And then run. RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND! Get as much runny poop smeared all over the floor as you can before she comes to her (his) senses and grabs you by your scruff to contain you.
(Ugh, the scruff. SO UNDIGNIFIED, being contained by my scruff!)
Now, I is sorry to tells you that you has to suffer through the final act of the Runny Poop Chronicles when your Momma Lady/ Daddy Man gets out the gentle baby body wash and washes your feet and back end and anywhere else the poop might have gone. It cannot be helped – you just has to suffer through it. Practice your sad face, and it will make them feel bad.
(But they might use more very bad words when they walk around cleaning up all the poop smears you left behind. Serves them right, I say.)
Sincerely with love and is it Snackin’! Time! yet?,
Rhymbus T. Bookworm
Lieu is fitting in quite nicely in the Rescuees’ room. At first he was a little skittish and scared of them and of me, but he came around pretty quickly. By yesterday, any time I went into the room he’d crowd around my feet with the rest of his new litter, howling for love and kisses and snacks.
He’s got a tiny crush on Sheila. He seems to always be near wherever she is, and he ADORES playing with her tail. She puts up with him for a while, then puts the smack down. I’ve seen him play-fighting with all the other Rescuees.
When I’m laying on the floor, he loves to come over and butt his head against mine, then flop down for a belly rub. Such a sweet little guy, that Lieu.
2009: No entry.
2008: No entry.
2007: As you can see, Spanky is a deeply suspicious fellow.
2006: No entry.
2005: Well, she’s right. I’m starting to give the kittens nicknames. I can’t help it!