10-1-11 – Catpranos

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I originally wrote this back in July of 2008. I was going to edit it for language, but decided not to because it cracked me up when I re-read it, so I’m posting it as is.

Warning: NOT FOR THE KIDDIES or those with delicate sensibilities when it comes to bad language. Lots of swearing. LOTS of it. Come on, it’s a cat entry based on the Sopranos. You’ve got to expect some bad language!

The Catpranos.

Starring:

Sugar “Big Boss Sweet Ass” J. Buttocks
Stanley “Booger Eyes” J. Boogerton
Thomas “Black Pussy” J. Cullen
and
Joseph “Smilin’ Joe” J. Robert

When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
You got yourself a gun……


“Smilin’ Joe.”
“Boss! What brings you around these parts?”


“That you even have the temerity to ask, Smilin’ Joe. That gets me so upset I can’t even look at you. It ANGERS me, Joe.”
“Boss?”


“You think word doesn’t get AROUND? You think I don’t KNOW what you’ve been doing?”
“Uh…”


“You think it’s a GOOD sign that I bring Black Pussy and Booger Eyes with me? You think this is a GOOD TIME CHAT? Are we chatting it up here, Joe? You want me to fetch you a cup of catnip? Can I be of SERVICE to you, you fucking assface?”
“Sure! Uh, I mean…”


“You think I don’t look at your stupid smilin’ face and want to smack it clear to the very back of the back forty? You think Black Pussy and Booger Eyes are back there looking around for their HEALTH? You messed up, Smilin’ Joe. You messed up BIG.”
“I…”


“It just makes me so angry, Joe. That you’d act like this when I thought we were FAMILY. After all I’ve done for you, that you’d do this, it breaks my heart and makes me want to break your face. You get me?”
“Um…”


“You see this scar on my arm? You think I got this scar from rolling over and taking it from losers like you? You think just ’cause I got these pink and purple nails I’m some BITCH you can FUCK and then just walk away? I EARNED this scar, these nails. I earned them with HARD work and loyalty and NOT sitting around grinning like a fucking lunatic.”


“You think you move in a vacuum? You think you do shit and people don’t come running to tell me? You think I have NO power in this yard?”
“Boss, I….”
“I can’t even look at you, Joe. You make me sick.”


“LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M REFUSING TO LOOK AT YOU, YOU GRINNING MORONIC MOTHERFUCKER!”


“Are you HEARING me, Joe? You understand what I’m saying to you?”
“Not so much, Boss…”
“You think you can get away with the middle-of-the-night caterwauling, the stalking Black Pussy’s girl – SHE BELONGS TO HIM, JOE – the spraying the bed where I like to lay my weary head, the disappearing and not letting the Big Lady know where you are? You think it’s okay to make her worry and piss her off? You think you can do these things and not pay the price? Booger Eyes, you take care of this. I can’t even be near this douchebag any more.”


“Boogsie, what’d I do?”
“You pissed him OFF, Joe. Did you not understand that very basic fact of life? You pissed him off, and if I were you, I’d pack my collar and cat bed and find a friendlier place to be.”


“Booger Eyes, you ever think of taking care of Big Boss Sweet Ass and taking over yourself? I’m just wondering.”
“That’s not even funny, Joe. Don’t joke about that sort of thing. You scram before I get back or I’m going to have to make you gone. I’m feeling generous today, Joe, so I’m going to give you half an hour. You’re a blithering idiot, but you need to do what’s smart for once.”
“I hear you, Boogie. I appreciate that.”


Watching Booger Eyes and Black Pussy make themselves scarce, Smilin’ Joe wonders just how stu-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Previously
2010: “What, lady? What you want?”
2009: Life is good.
2008: Pet store kitties.
2007: Crazy Eyes struggles with a wee case of claustrophobia.
2006: No entry.
2005: No entry.

Comments

Comments

10-1-11 – Catpranos — 11 Comments

  1. Still giggling. Great work, Robyn. Now I want a Downton Abbey spoof. I could see some of your cats with the posh accents and vicious biting wit.

  2. And yet, Joe Bob is with us today and still smilin’! Thanks for the laugh, Robyn!

    • OMG – that’s right, Doodle Bean, maybe he had some guys on his side I didn’t know about! 😀

  3. Cute… never followed the Sopranos, coz I was raised in the Philly area. They really were around and I never needed to interact with them. Phew

    And as of 615pm HST on Sunday night, I was vote 1020 for Gracie. We need over 250 votes to get her photo to catch up and top the first place husky.

    Go Gracie Go!

  4. Very smooth work, Robyn. Just think, you could have a career in script-writing! Wait, you surely still can? Post this whole thing off to Nat Geo and wait for them to offer you your own show. Cool!
    Now go wash you mouth out with soap – putting such language in the kitties’ mouths…

  5. Robyn!!! The language! There is something extra funny about it cuz you never expect a kitty website to contain such language…and that amount of it! I laughed and laughed!